I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
