My balls are so social today.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
