Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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