i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
