Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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