honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
