im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
