I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
