When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She told me I should be a condom model.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize