I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
