i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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