where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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