He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Randomize
