u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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