I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My bed smells like the plague
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
