Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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