I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
