On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
