proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
