I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
