i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
