i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
