sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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