Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
