I can tuck mytits in my pants
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize