I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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