so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
