life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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