My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize