I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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