I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
