We won't sleep together?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
