whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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