I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
