And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
