Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my liver is dry heaving
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
