haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
