there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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