Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
