Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
