I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
