don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i already hear my dad disowning me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
