you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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