I have demons in me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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