I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
