so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
