If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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