If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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