Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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