Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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