Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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