Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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