he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
