Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
