I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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