walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you win again, gameday.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
