After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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