How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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