I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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