oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
