nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
