God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
