I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
