I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Randomize
