He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
